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A Room in the Garter Inn. | |
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Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN | |
| Fal. Mine host of the Garter! | |
| Host. What says my bully-rook? Speak scholarly and wisely. | |
| Fal. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers. | 5 |
| Host. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot. | |
| Fal. I sit at ten pounds a week. | |
| Host. Thou’rt an emperor, Cæsar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector? | |
| Fal. Do so, good mine host. | |
| Host. I have spoke; let him follow. [To BARD.] Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow. [Exit. | 10 |
| Fal. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-man, a fresh tapster. Go; adieu. | |
| Bard. It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive. | |
| Pist. O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield? [Exit BARD. | |
| Nym. He was gotten in drink; is not the humour conceited? | |
| Fal. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox; his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer; he kept not time. | 15 |
| Nym. The good humour is to steal at a minim’s rest. | |
| Pist. ‘Convey,’ the wise it call. ‘Steal!’ foh! a fico for the phrase! | |
| Fal. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. | |
| Pist. Why, then, let kibes ensue. | |
| Fal. There is no remedy; I must conycatch, I must shift. | 20 |
| Pist. Young ravens must have food. | |
| Fal. Which of you know Ford of this town? | |
| Pist. I ken the wight: he is of substance good. | |
| Fal. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. | |
| Pist. Two yards, and more. | 25 |
| Fal. No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is, ‘I am Sir John Falstaff’s.’ | |
| Pist. He hath studied her well, and translated her well, out of honesty into English. | |
| Nym. The anchor is deep: will that humour pass? | |
| Fal. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse; he hath a legion of angels. | |
| Pist. As many devils entertain, and ‘To her, boy,’ say I. | 30 |
| Nym. The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels. | |
| Fal. I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious œilliades: sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly. | |
| Pist. Then did the sun on dunghill shine. | |
| Nym. I thank thee for that humour. | |
| Fal. O! she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be ’cheator to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me: they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive. | 35 |
| Pist. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all! | |
| Nym. I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter. I will keep the haviour of reputation. | |
| Fal. [To ROBIN.] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly: | |
| Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. | |
| Rogues, hence! avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; | 40 |
| Trudge, plod away o’ the hoof; seek shelter, pack! | |
| Falstaff will learn the humour of this age, | |
| French thrift, you rogues: myself and skirted page. [Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN. | |
| Pist. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds, | |
| And high and low beguile the rich and poor. | 45 |
| Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, | |
| Base Phrygian Turk! | |
| Nym. I have operations in my head, which be humours of revenge. | |
| Pist. Wilt thou revenge? | |
| Nym. By welkin and her star! | 50 |
| Pist. With wit or steel? | |
| Nym. With both the humours, I: | |
| I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. | |
Pist. | And I to Ford shall eke unfold |
| How Falstaff, varlet vile, |
| His dove will prove, his gold will hold, |
| And his soft couch defile. |
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| Nym. My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour. | 55 |
| Pist. Thou art the Mars of malcontents: I second thee; troop on. [Exeunt. | |
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