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A Part of the Grecian Camp. | |
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Enter AJAX and THERSITES. | |
| Ajax. Thersites! | |
| Ther. Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over, generally? | |
| Ajax. Thersites! | 5 |
| Ther. And those boils did run? Say so, did not the general run then? were not that a botchy core? | |
| Ajax. Dog! | |
| Ther. Then would come some matter from him: I see none now. | |
| Ajax. Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear? | |
| Feel, then. [Strikes him. | 10 |
| Ther. The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord! | |
| Ajax. Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will beat thee into handsomeness. | |
| Ther. I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but I think thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? a red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks! | |
| Ajax. Toadstool, learn me the proclamation. | |
| Ther. Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus? | 15 |
| Ajax. The proclamation! | |
| Ther. Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think. | |
| Ajax. Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch. | |
| Ther. I would thou didst itch from head to foot, and I had the scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab of Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another. | |
| Ajax. I say, the proclamation! | 20 |
| Ther. Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at Proserpina’s beauty, ay that thou barkest at him. | |
| Ajax. Mistress Thersites! | |
| Ther. Thou shouldst strike him. | |
| Ajax. Cobloaf! | |
| Ther. He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a biscuit. | 25 |
| Ajax. You whoreson cur. [Beating him. | |
| Ther. Do, do. | |
| Ajax. Thou stool for a witch! | |
| Ther. Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou! | |
| Ajax. You dog! | 30 |
| Ther. You scurvy lord! | |
| Ajax. You cur! [Beating him. | |
| Ther. Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do. | |
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Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS. | |
| Achil. Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you this? | 35 |
| How now, Thersites! what’s the matter, man? | |
| Ther. You see him there, do you? | |
| Achil. Ay; what’s the matter? | |
| Ther. Nay, look upon him. | |
| Achil. So I do: what’s the matter? | 40 |
| Ther. Nay, but regard him well. | |
| Achil. ‘Well!’ why, so I do. | |
| Ther. But yet you look not well upon him; for, whosoever you take him to be, he is Ajax. | |
| Achil. I know that, fool. | |
| Ther. Ay, but that fool knows not himself. | 45 |
| Ajax. Therefore I beat thee. | |
| Ther. Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly, and his guts in his head, I’ll tell you what I say of him. | |
| Achil. What? | |
| Ther. I say, this Ajax,— [AJAX offers to strike him. | |
| Achil. Nay, good Ajax. | 50 |
| Ther. Has not so much wit— | |
| Achil. Nay, I must hold you. | |
| Ther. As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he comes to fight. | |
| Achil. Peace, fool! | |
| Ther. I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not: he there; that he; look you there. | 55 |
| Ajax. O thou damned cur! I shall— | |
| Achil. Will you set your wit to a fool’s? | |
| Ther. No, I warrant you; for a fool’s will shame it. | |
| Patr. Good words, Thersites. | |
| Achil. What’s the quarrel? | 60 |
| Ajax. I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenour of the proclamation, and he rails upon me. | |
| Ther. I serve thee not. | |
| Ajax. Well, go to, go to. | |
| Ther. I serve here voluntary. | |
| Achil. Your last service was sufferance, ’twas not voluntary; no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as under an impress. | 65 |
| Ther. Even so; a great deal of your wit too lies in your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall have a great catch if he knock out either of your brains: a’ were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel. | |
| Achil. What, with me too, Thersites? | |
| Ther. There’s Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you like draught-oxen, and make you plough up the wars. | |
| Achil. What, what? | |
| Ther. Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to! | 70 |
| Ajax. I shall cut out your tongue. | |
| Ther. ’Tis no matter; I shall speak as much as thou afterwards. | |
| Patr. No more words, Thersites; peace! | |
| Ther. I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I? | |
| Achil. There’s for you, Patroclus. | 75 |
| Ther. I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come any more to your tents: I will keep where there is wit stirring and leave the faction of fools. [Exit. | |
| Patr. A good riddance. | |
| Achil. Marry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host: | |
| That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun, | |
| Will, with a trumpet, ’twixt our tents and Troy | 80 |
| To morrow morning call some knight to arms | |
| That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare | |
| Maintain—I know not what: ’tis trash. Farewell. | |
| Ajax. Farewell. Who shall answer him? | |
| Achil. I know not: it is put to lottery; otherwise, | 85 |
| He knew his man. | |
| Ajax. O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it. [Exeunt. | |
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